It's everything i am fighting for, so why did i shy away?

It's no secret - I have spent the last few months setting up a website and generally "campaigning" to get the voice of the mentally unwell heard (no more sticking us in an institution and ignoring the problem!). You probably think that outside of the www, in "real life", that i am a rather up front about mental health and if the subject comes up i tend to talk openly and answer anyones questions as accurately as i can.

If it catches me off guard though, i find myself trying to change the subject as quickly as possible which results in an incoherent ramble accented by short bouts of stuttering - highlighting the fact i'm rather embarrassed.

It happened for the first time yesterday. My husband casually dropped into conversation a time during my second major breakdown, in the very beginning, when he somehow ended up lost on a run. I ended up mumbling something about how unwell i had been as i tried to suppress memories of how horrible it felt to be the way i was.

This is something i think i would like to work on. I need to get back that little bit of confidence to say "yes, i WAS in that awful place last year, but i am NOT ashamed of it".

Keep pushing me & I will eventually break your face

We moved back to the city only 4 days ago, and I have been busier in the last week than i have in the last three months. I have missed feeling as free (finding your wings again, according to my big sister) as i have in the last few weeks and as i do right now. I have taken up old hobbies, continued with new ones and grabbed life by the short and hairies with no intention of ever letting go.

However, with freedom and a reforming personality comes some form of resistance. I have noticed lately that i am being very subtly pulled up on some of the actions, comments and choices i make. I'm not entirely sure why - it's not like these actions are dissimilar to how i have behaved in the past and this part of my personality never really changed. Yet these attempts to control what i do and who i am still exist.

Here is a little advice for you. You are not my husband, my parent, my sister or someone i would ever consider taking this passive-aggressive advice from. It's not my behaviour that's inappropriate, its yours. You're not as subtle as you think you are, clearly. I also don't believe for a second that it is out of "concern". It goes deeper than that. This is your problem. Stop trying to control who i am, because if you keep pushing me...

This is my time and i'm not going to let anyone blow it for me.

Other things i've learned this week

1. Don't wait around for life to arrange itself. You can't rely on it to come to you.
2. Don't let others make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about who you are and how you behave
3. Never take a 21 month old on a train journey without an abundance of snacks, toys and as much Peppa Pig as your Smartphone can handle.

Ciao!

Moving along

The move and unpack is done. I think it's a new record for us, taking into consideration our child, 4 years of accumulating various belongings and the fact that we couldn't be more disorganised between us if we tried.

I feel so much better already, just being back in the city. Prior to unpacking, me and bean sprout went for a walk to the local shops. It was busy and there were people everywhere. There was life. There IS life. I've never been so happy to be woken up by lorries rolling past in the middle of the night. I was "better" anyway, but being here has topped it off.

I found myself feeling a touch emotional half way through the move. We are leaving behind our first family home and, although I spent most of the last couple of years feeling unwell, we have a lot of amazing memories in that little house.

One door closes and another opens. Although in this case, a thousand doors open.